September 29th, 2015

 

 This past Saturday I was at home, enjoying what seems to be my only day off these days, re-watching one of my favorite shows. I was half listening until a certain couple lines caught my attention. 

 

  "...I don't think a billion indians who have never heard of God are going to hell. I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bull, and on some level, I think we all know that, I mean, don't you?..."

 

 I remember hearing this a year or so ago and it really stuck with me and made me think. I have lost my uncle and a childhood friend so it made me think about that statement. A few years later who knew i would be relating it again to my experiences. Since I was diagnosed four months ago, I have been searching for an answer. Why? Why did I get cancer? Like she said in the show, did I need to learn a lesson? What happened in my life that this was directly related to? I wanted someone to come to me and tell me that these certain circumstances in my life, whatever they may be, physical, emotional, spiritual, led to that small tumor on my face. Right? Like that's realistic... 

 

 I can think of hundreds of plausible and realistic sounding reasons of why this happened but I will never know exactly why. No one will, not even the doctors. Now yes, you are thinking, "Oh, the doctors say that skin cancer is caused by the sun, right?" Call me foolish but I do not believe that is why I got cancer or that the sun causes people to die (to a certain extent, be realistic). God would not put something in the sky that is going to poison man kind. I feel like that is something for people to put faith in, the naming and categorizing of cancer. Let me tell you by experience that when people know you have Melanoma and you say you are staying out of the sun they get a look on their face almost like you are cured. Its so much deeper than that for me. 

 

 I don't believe that i needed to "learn a lesson" and thats why I got this disease. It's not like i was going down a wrong path and getting into drugs or things like that. I was actually working on moving forward in my life. I was getting along with my family and close friends and everything was "my" normal. I don't believe that the stress i was dealing with or emotional "trauma" caused this either. I believe that those things are not good for you but people go to medical school for 8 years and are constantly stressed. People have high stress jobs for their entire life and they don't all come out on the other side with cancer. Then there is the health side of things which I think has the most impact on the body and wether or not it is the right environment for cancer cells to grow or not. But then there are the cases of people eating healthy, never drinking and doing everything right but they still end up sick. Some things are just random. 

 

 This, I can say without a doubt, has been the hardest thing for me throughout this whole experience. On a daily basis it creeps into my mind. Why?. People do heroin and meth for their entire lives and they live until they are 90 years old and horrible, cranky, awful people. Then you have people who dedicate their lives to the lord and others and they are killed by a drunk driver at age 25. Others who smoke their entire lives with no problems and the person who has never smoked gets lung cancer. There are doctors who go over to war and save hundreds of people in horrible conditions and give up their life for strangers and then people who murder and never get put away for it. My uncle passed away 5 years ago today and it still feels like he is just an hour away running his business like i always remember. Somewhere, someone has all these answers and reasons and the only person i know of right now who can help with that is The Lord above. Just because He knows the answer to everything doesn't mean He will give it to you. Even if you trust and pray, it doesn't mean we will ever know the answers to all of these questions, but He gives us peace. He gives us hope.  

 

 I think that is part of the reason why i have been able to lay to rest the question of why. I was blessed with an early stage tumor and an easy access site. My Journey has been nothing like people imagine "cancer" is supposed to be. "My Sisters Keeper" and "Me, Earl and the Dying Girl" are not realistic to my experience. If you watch those movies or read the books, don't think of me, please! Those movies and stories make me feel guilty. I have been able to see so many of my family and friends, i have worked almost the whole time, i never once had to spend a night in the hospital, I've taken trips with loved ones and have 3 more planned to see friends and family that i know think about and pray for me daily. I have had the opportunity to transform my life into a "clean living lifestyle" and continue to see changes in my body physically and mentally. I have been blessed to be able to start putting this behind me, hopefully for good. 

 

 Whether I ever come to learn the answer of why this happened, i know that I will have a peace about it. It has given me a new outlook on life that i don't know how to explain. You have to take time and spend it with the people that mean the most to you and do things that make you happy. I know that is said so often but it takes on a whole new meaning once you experience the bad. If we don't have bad days where we feel under the weather or things can't seem to go right then the happy days don't seem good, right? 

 

 Below is over a span of 4 months. The first was taken less than a month before i was diagnosed and the last was one month after surgery. Its continuing to heal and i am slowly regaining some feeling back in my neck. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 21st, 2015

 

Conscious:

 

- aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake.

synonyms: aware, awake, alert, responsive, 

"the patient was conscious"

 

  Just last spring I was discussing with a friend about when we became "conscious". "ummm... when I was born?" I said to her, really not understanding what she was getting at. She explained to me what she meant. Yes you are conscious when you are a baby but not until I was 18 was I actually conscious, aware and responding. 

 

  Kids and teenagers are often called immature. Immature has many definitions but two of them are the most valid, I believe. You are immature because you know nothing better, you are not fully developed. If you are being called immature for something you have done or said that is not relevant or true it could be because you have not been taught or informed. It doesn't make you stupid, it means you just do not know. Then there is the ignorant immature. This is when you know what is correct and socially, morally, spiritually, etc  right and you choose to ignore it. 

 

  Becoming conscious is a different way to describe "growing up" or "becoming mature" but it really has stuck with me and made me change my view on how things changed these past 2 years. For me it was when I really started to care. I was always a caring person. A people pleaser, if you will (good and bad, let me just say now). But when I started to care for my sake and not my moms, or my teachers, or coaches is when you realize it is your life. I had to take my life into my own hands. Starting my senior year I was already really done with the high school scene. I was doing most of my classes at Metro Community College, I only played one sport and I was working 40+ hours a week. I had my close group of friends and everything wasn't about "impressing high school people". I was much better off to start with, being homeschooled, let me just say now. Public school is for some people, but I can tell you now, it was not for me and I didn't realize this until my senior year. If I was put into school, even for one year, I don't think I would have the life I have now. I was becoming a person. I was becoming Miranda. Things meant more to me. I wanted to be out on my own. I moved 3 times in 2 years, I traveled across the United States to see friends and family, I became a CNA but most of all, I became mentally conscious.

 

  One of my good childhood friends Katie, passed away after my senior year and my eyes and heart were really opened. You really think life is safe because you are young and full of energy. Katie was an angel. She was to good for this world and heaven was her rightful home, just like us, but she was too good. Even though she is in a better place, it is so hard. I pray for her family very often. This event brought my friends and I so close to each other and to God. We started spending more time with our family and really understanding what the meaning of life was. I started taking out the time to see distant family members and go see friends that I missed. I started to care about someone other than myself and I took in every moment of it. I was becoming conscious. 

 

  Some people don't start to feel this way until 20, 30 or even later. It all depends on the person, the people in their life, what they believe and the events that shape them. I'm very grateful for everything that has happened to me because it has made me who I am. I have had at least one person tell me every day, for the past 2 months that they are praying for me. I wish everyone could have that because it truly is an amazing feeling that there is someone out there thinking of you, but then someone higher who has your life in his hands. I could be bitter and resentful towards God because he gave me cancer or let it happen, but I took the high road to look at the light. So many good things have come out of this. It has opened my eyes and brought God back to my #1. I have turned to people who have Jesus as their power and it has been amazing for me. To have so many people there for me is a blessing that I don't think i will ever be able to return.  I am so thankful for my family. Friends come and go but family is always yours. Everyone has disfunction but thats what makes your family yours. It really is humbling to see families come together for the common good of someone or something. Its a rare gem these days but it is one of the best things I can think of.

 

  Thank you to everyone else who was there for me last Monday during my surgery and for all the support since. You are all a blessing to me, each and every one of you. 

 

<3 Miranda

 

 

July 7th, 2015

 

"(16) People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. (17) Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath.(18) God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie,we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. (19) We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, (20) where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become the high priest forever."  Hebrews 6:16-20

 

  In our life we are constantly searching. Searching for something to believe in, all the way down to searching for something fun and exciting to do in the moment. Searching for that perfect person to "complete us" or for that friend that will never leave us. Material things make us happy on a daily basis. We look forward to getting off work, watching movies, the weekend, good food, new clothes. Things like this can run our life. What happens when those things no longer matter? When they start to loose value? When something happens in your life and you no longer think what will i do or get or eat next but you have something bigger to deal with? Or what if we say, what will you cling to and search for when these material things loose value? What is now important to you? What is going to keep you going? The anchor for the soul, what will that be? 

 

 As most of you know I have been working up at Okoboji this summer. I have been lifeguarding, driving boats, serving food and hanging out with the Boys Town families  I am on a boat anywhere from 1-5 hours a day. There is something scary and intimidating about driving a boat, but after a few weeks it becomes second nature and you almost do it without thinking. The weather on the water is always different. Somedays the lake is as still as can be and driving is peaceful. Others, the waves remind you of the ocean they are so big and it almost seems that its impossible to control the boat. The lake reminds me of life. Calm and perfect one day, but the next could be completely chaotic. What do we do when life throws us one way then the other? Do we give up and just let ourselves go? Like a boat in a storm, do we just sit there and let the waves tip the boat until we take on water and possibly sink? Or do we anchor ourselves to something? Find a dock, shelter, drop an anchor...?

 

 Hard times call for something that we can hold firm to, anchor ourselves down to. As Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." When I was 17 I found this verse and it has been important to me ever since. An anchor is outside the ship and that which steadies us cannot be a part of ourselves. It must be something external to us. We are told to anchor ourselves to Jesus, the higher power, something that is not part of us because when we are spiraling out of control we need something to keep us grounded. 

 

 Wether you are going through something small or something life changing, you need to be grounded. You need to be able to count on something that will always be there. This world is not stable. Life throws anything and everything at you at the worst possible times. People don't know how to act when the unthinkable happens. You can not count on or rely on anyone 100% except for the one above. Like I have said and I continue to tell myself, God never gives you anything you can't handle. Everything happens for a reason. 

 

 Surgery is less than a week away and my life has changed drastically even in the past 2 weeks. I am ready for this to happen. I will be going into surgery hoping and praying that everything is clean and I come out on the other side healed but we do not know. All we can do is pray and hope.

 

"Hope anchors the soul." 

 

Miranda <3

 

*some people are asking for more about my condition and if you go to the top and click on the drop down menu it will tell you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 2nd, 2015

 

 Everything that happens in our lifetime, happens for a reason. It happens at the right time and place even though, at the time, it may not seem like it. We are only given what we can handle and everyone handles things differently. Some people cope by not. They act like everything is 100% normal, which, in their case, may be their normal. Others seem to spiral downward fast leaving everything in the dust. Everything happens for a reason and something comes out of every situation. 

 

 In my life I have been extremely blessed. I grew up in a home where hectic was normal but things were pretty easy. A home where Jesus was the center, homeschooling was our education, eating only the freshest and healthiest foods was a must and a place that was always loud. There are always the things that you can't prevent from happening. Death, illness, sadness... Everything that I grew up with was preparing me for these past few months. 

 

 A month and a half ago is when it all changed. February of this year I was in South Carolina visiting a dear friend when I noticed an abnormal mole on my left jaw line. I thought nothing of it and enjoyed my vacation on the beach and took in all the amazing sights. A month later I scheduled a Dermatology appointment to have the mole removed as it was changing and becoming concerning. May 13th I had the mole removed and the doctor took a dime sized margin out of my face in order to get what was necessary. They sent the mole off to pathology and told me it could take up to 2 weeks to get results back. The waiting time during the rest of that week was a very interesting time. I was constantly being asked why I had a band aid on my face and what happened. I didn't mind telling people as those kinds of things don't bother me. There were also the reassuring words from everyone that "oh you will be fine" and "don't dwell on it or think anything of it." I wanna thank everyone who encouraged me that week, even though no one knew what was going to happen, thank you for being there for me.

 

 I went on with my week and into the start of the next week. I had training for my new job at Boys Town on that Monday (18th). I met my new co workers that I would be spending my whole summer with and enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind there was the thought about what would happen if the results came back less than positive, but I kept my spirits up and enjoyed the new company. The following day, Tuesday, May 19th, 2015 at 5:30pm is when everything I knew and hoped and thought changed.

 

  I had finished a great day of training, gotten certified as a lifeguard, taken my last sociology test and my life and job were coming together. I was set to leave for Okoboji the following day. I had received a call from my dermatologist while I was training so she left me a message. " Hello Miranda, we have your test results back and would like you to call us as soon as you can to talk to you about them. Thank you, talk to you soon." I called them back right as I left training. I called 3 times and no one picked up. These few moments during the drive from Boys Town to my parents house were the most nerve racking and stressful moments of my entire life. I pulled into my parents with wet hair, baggy sweatpants and my phone charger in my hand. I thought about what i was going to ask my mom as i opened the door. "Hey mom, the office called me and left a message. I tried to call but no one picked up. Have you heard from them?" The instant I looked at my mom from across the room I knew. I don't know how to explain it but it's the same look that someone gives you when someone you love has died. All of the good emotions and feelings that I had been having that day came up, all at once, as tears. Falling to the floor I sobbed. My family came over to comfort me but were all asking what was wrong. My mom and I were the only ones that knew at that moment. It felt like the world had stopped.

 

  When people say that when something traumatic happens to them all of their thoughts go running through their head, I don't know what they mean. Those few moments that I was on the floor of my living room my mind was completely empty. The next 5 hours of my life were so indifferent. I listened to my parents talk about what the doctors said, about what I need to do food and medication wise, I texted a few people and gave them the smallest amount of information I could and I just cried. The thing that stood out to me and that I still remember clear as day is as i was in my car getting ready to leave after 2 hours was my parents leaning over and talking to me through the window. I very softly asked them, "so does this mean I have cancer...?" After 2 hours of talking about it, my brain just couldn't comprehend it and take it all in. When you hear someone say, yes, you have cancer, what happens in your body is unexplainable. The pit in your stomach has now taken over your entire body. You feel hollow in mind, body and soul.

 

 The next 3 days consisted of prayers, flowers from family, tears and more prayers. All of my family was sending email after email and phone call after phone call to our extended family, friends, prayer groups, bible study groups and pastors. I postponed my journey to Okoboji until the following Monday so I would have a bit of time to realize what was happening. One of the hardest things about cancer or any serious illness is telling other people and seeing their reactions. Some people know exactly what to say to you and others honestly will say nothing about it and almost change the subject. At first I was very, very hurt and even angered by some peoples reactions. Learning that everyone deals with trauma differently is also something that you realize during hard times. You have to deal with not just your emotions, but also others, which can be a burden if you are not emotionally stable or prepared. You have to let it go. You have to let so many things go. 

 

 So here we are almost 2 months later and i'm living my life. I have been in Okoboji since May 23rd working with kids just a few years younger than me and being an example to them. I have been living the life and it is the best thing for me right now to be at the lake. Leaving Omaha during this time in my life was one of the hardest things I have done. Being sick, wether its just a cold or cancer, you want to be home. Just a month earlier though I could not wait to leave this town. Interesting the timing of things and how they all work out. I have been back and forth to Omaha about 5 times for doctors appointments, CAT scans, X-rays and the removal of 3 more moles. The times I have had up at the lake though, even in the situation I am in, are moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life. The friends I have made during this time in my life came in right as I was diagnosed and have been right with me the whole time. It's hard to tell someone that you have known for 2 days that you have cancer, but these guys, they have been going through it with me and I plan on being friends for a really, really long time. 

 

  Everything that we experience, happens for a reason. I have said this to myself every day for 2 months and it is what has kept me going personally. The prayers. The prayers from everyone. People I don't even know are praying for me and that is something special. Something that only God can do and I am so thankful for Him and all the Godly people he has placed in my life. Thank You everyone for the prayers and thoughts. I will never be able to re pay you. Thank you for just being here for me. Even if you just leave me be and give me space, I am so thankful for you and your love and respect. This journey has just started and it is not exactly how I wanted to start my 20's but God has a plan and all of you are in my life for a reason. I love you all. Keep praying.

 

Miranda <3